Supporters - some common obstacles

• Wish not to burden others
• Feeling no one can offer support
• Fear of being judged or rejected
• Fear of being seen as a ‘bad parent’
• Fear of child’s reaction, or disloyalty to child
• Fear of change of role (only comfortable with supporting others)
• Not being used to getting support
• Past experience of poor support
• Difficulty in working as a ‘parenting team’

Types of Supporters

• Emotional Supporters offer caring support by listening to you and being there for you.
• Practical supporters give practical support (such as childcare) but may not be able to connect to you.
• Fair weather supporters may be there at times, but not available, or inconsistent, in times of need.
• False supporters say they support you but can show an undermining attitude. Sometimes, they may be encouraged to provide more support if they are able to adopt NVR ideas.

Campaigns of concern

Supporters can be coached to help with NVR tools. For example, with a small basket issue such as school refusal, an uncle may text a young person messages such as: ‘Your mum has told me you have difficulty with getting into school. Is there anything I can do to help?’ The message should not be threatening, but within the NVR framework of connecting or resisting comments.

Small group exercise

Using the template provided, place all your potential supporters in the circles around your centre circle. We will then look at these and discuss in pairs or small groups.

Benefits of Supporters

Illustration drawn by a child of people holding placards.  The placards say advice, peace of mind, shoulder to cry on, a lending hand, reassurance.

Parents/carers are encouraged to think widely about sources of potential support

A table has 2 columns, the first one is Potential Supporters and the second one is Where.

The rows are as follows:

1. Partner, spouse, older children, pets - home

2. Grandparents, siblings, friends, ex-partner - family, nearby

3. Friends, church, hobbies, networks, specialist groups, workplace, NVR support group - community

4. Social worker, family support worker, health worker, teacher, learning mentor, teaching assistant, school counsellor, CAMHS worker - professionals

5. Celebratory, actor, scientist, royalty, political figure, church leader, teacher from childhood, lecturer - inspirational people

6. God, strong characters from books/films, nature (for example a favourite place) - inspirational figures or places

Manage your supporters!

One of our experienced parent facilitators, Karina Kelly, suggests that we can adopt the role of managing our supporters. This is an active approach of working out who can do what, when and how often.

Parental Self-care

'You can't pour from an empty cup'

Parenting is hard work, especially if you are trying to cope with and reduce difficult attitudes and behaviours from your child. Self-care is something that many parents don’t even think about, but is critical for both positive mental and physical health as well as improved relationships between parents and children!

Parental self care is not easy. It basically means looking after yourself in a good enough way and then having enough energy to look after others!

An illustration shows the safety manual for an aeroplane where a woman is shown fixing her oxygen mask on first and then fixing her child's mask.

This often best illustrated by the aeroplane analogy. On a flight, if the air pressure falls, we're instructed to put on our own oxygen masks first, before helping a child do the same. You’re not much help to your child if you have passed out!

Self-care helps to prevent parental burnout

An illustration shows a series of matches each one progressively more burned, weak and breaking.

Severely stressed parents tend to:

1. Overreact to MBIs (minor but irritating behaviours).
2. Praise less and criticise more making Reconciliation Gestures difficult to put in place.
3. Interpret a lot of behaviour through a negative lens.  This makes it harder to adopt the 'connection before correction' principle and use an imaginary magnifying glass to 'magnify' any seeds of cooperation or good behavior.
4. Unmanaged stress also means slipping into 'reptile mode' more easily and less ability to use the 'parental shield' when children become stressed or hostile.

Self care and the Self-announcement

On the NVR course parents and carers take time to look at way they can care for themselves (and each other if they are in a couple relationship).
This idea links later to a related idea called the parental self-announcement. When looking at this concept we also look at the strength of an ‘inner critic’ and how this might be gradually be joined or even replaced with an ‘inner caretaker’.

Small group exercise:

Using the handout provided, please list helpful ways and not so helpful ways to look after yourself.

Self-care is vital

An illustration shows pictures of ideas for self-care.

Meditate, engage with the arts, eat a nice meal, read a book or write a journal, rest or take a nap, sit in nature, remember to exercise, take a bath.

Ten Commandments for reducing stress

1. Thou shalt not be perfect, nor even try
2. Thou shalt not be all things to all people
3. Thou shalt leave things undone that ought to be done
4. Thou shalt not spread thyself too thin
5. Thou shalt learn to say "No"
6. Thou shalt schedule time for thyself and thy supportive network
7. Thou shalt switch off and do nothing regularly
8. Thou shalt be boring, untidy and unattractive at times
9. Thou shalt not even feel guilty
10. Especially thou shalt not be thine own worst enemy, but thy best friend