Downbeat compliments
Experiment with being low key rather than enthusiastic or and elaborated (otherwise the message you might give is: I don’t trust you/ believe in you, therefore I feel surprised. Remember, YP doesn’t like to be treated like toddlers)
- Say: “I saw your school report – not bad, actually” Avoid: “Hello Sunshine, our princess woke up already”.
- Express a subtle appreciation – again, low key “thank you for coming at the time I asked you to”.
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NVR Handout Connecting Comments
Descriptive Appreciation
When you appreciate, be descriptive and be specific about which positive behaviour your appreciation is about:
- Avoid: “well done, I am proud of you”.
- Instead say: “I appreciate the way you spoke to your sister this morning”. “I appreciate your effort to go to school today"
Downbeat compliments
Experiment with being low key rather than enthusiastic or and elaborated (otherwise the message you might give is: I don’t trust you/ believe in you, therefore I feel surprised. Remember, YP doesn’t like to be treated like toddlers)
- Say: “I saw your school report – not bad, actually” Avoid: “Hello Sunshine, our princess woke up already”.
- Express a subtle appreciation – again, low key “thank you for coming at the time I asked you to”.
Delayed compliments/positive comments
Perhaps at the time it was not going to feel coherent with your firm approach or the focus would have been lost
- “I meant to say it two days ago but I like how you dressed on Sunday”.
Compliment without criticism
Avoid combining appreciation and criticism
- Avoid: "well done you for going to school BUT It would be better if you did that every day, you know”.
- Just say: "well done for going to school”.
Appreciation after a resisting comment
Reflect and respond from ‘I position’ – instead of reacting- Let’s say your child doesn’t want to go to school in the morning. But they have been to school during the week.
- Reflecting on your feelings from ‘I position’ (what you feel about what the situation means to you, and what positive behaviour you notice as part of the overall process) “ I’m concerned you did not go to school today, I have noticed you have been making a real effort to get to school more often recently."